


Saying Goodbye

by LuvSam



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-17
Updated: 2011-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-18 06:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/185773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuvSam/pseuds/LuvSam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes saying good-bye is not that easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing: None, Team, friendship  
> Rating: PG13  
> Disclaimer: Not my characters. Just borrowing for this work of fiction.  
> Spoilers and Warnings: Reference to Adrift, The Shrine, takes place during Season 5 post 'The Shrine" but before the end of the show. Probably OOC, but I swear I tried to stick to the characters.

  
*** * * ***   


The nightmare is always the same, no matter if I'm on a mission or on Atlantis. I see Elizabeth standing in the hallway, surrounded by the replicators, her face anguished telling us no, screaming at Ronon and I to go, to leave her there.

I sighed deeply, recalling when the nightmares became part of my life, part of my nights since the gate closed over them - the replicators. Every time I woke up in a sweat with the need to check her quarters.

From my spot on the balcony, I can see the moons over Atlantis, our home. After three weeks, the nightmares are always the same.

If only. If only, what…. we hadn't looked for her in the first place? If Ronon hadn't caught me and dragged me out of there? If Rodney hadn't reactivated the nanites?

I sighed again; with ‘what ifs’ you could remake the world, but once you open your eyes, everything is still the same.

My gaze shifts to the end of the pier where I see a lonely silhouette working out with a sword - Ronon.

It's around 3 am earth time. And neither he nor I could sleep. I wonder why. I continue to look at the horizon, the sound of the waves lapping at the city taking my mind away.

  
*** * * ***   


The first time I met her was in Antarctica when I brought General O'Neill to the Outpost. I remember how she looked at me when I sat in the Chair. How easily I could project our position, and everything McKay asked me then.

I remember when the Stargate closed behind us as we arrived in the city. How the city would wake up under my feet and how after we finally settled in, Elizabeth would walk with me just to hear the city awaken under our feet. I shook my head, she won't be doing that anymore.

I looked at Ronon; he had stopped training and was now sitting on the floor, his sword displayed before him, and he too was looking at the ocean. I remembered how I convinced her to get him onto my team. It wasn't a big challenge. She kinda adopted him the minute he saw his devastated world on the screen. I felt it. She didn't approve of my choice immediately. No, she let me defend my opinion. And at the end, she said yes. Telling me long after at dinnertime how Ronon was now my responsibility. I nodded.

Today, we are still the only team with two off-world people on it. I can't imagine my team otherwise. Ronon is our power, McKay our genius, Teyla … I sighed. Teyla is our grace, our conscience, so we don't forget our own. Since Torren, she's even more than that; she's the cement between us. She's the one who makes all of this bearable, she gives us hope.

I close my eyes and Fran/Elizabeth popped into my head, not really her but more her look, Well, her eyes on me just before she stepped through the gate.

We still haven't closed that chapter. I can't close it. It hurts too much.

I checked with Woolsey and Rodney a few days ago to see if we could bring her back. Woolsey told us the IOA haven't still agreed. Rodney told him it was a question of days; it's already been too long. Woolsey's pained look gave us our answer. Despite the fact we couldn't bring her home with us, Rodney and I took a jumper and went to the gate we sent her through. It was after the debriefing from our last mission; we asked Woolsey if we could test the last reparations on Jumper 5. Woolsey didn't complain, and let us pass the gate to the Alpha site. Once there, we dialed the Space gate to check on them, like we did almost every time we have a jumper to test. Lately we had a lot more run tests than necessary, and if Woolsey knew something he never said a word. Thanks for small favors.

Each time we got power signatures from them. Last week we only got three of them, and Elizabeth was one of those.

Yesterday, we didn't get anything, anything at all. In a stupid move, we closed the bulkhead door and like for Niam, we opened the rear hatch and pulled her back in. McKay waited impatiently at the door for the rear compartment to be pressurized again, and I hadn't given the mental order to open the door that he was already through.

I needed to put the jumper in automatic mode for a few moments before I could give him a hand. I don't know why but I felt a coldness wrapping around me and had difficulty breathing. I turned around and saw Rodney's lost look, his hand on top of her head, not moving. Not moving at all.

I pulled the jumper into automatic mode, thanks to Rodney's new program and walked to them.

I remembered his look - hollow, empty, eyes full of angst. I’d never seen him this lost, not even when we were in a really bad situation.

He looked at me, and uttered, "There's nothing anymore."

I frowned. What did he just say? Like he’d read my thoughts he turned his scanner to me. Everything was flat lined.

"Are you sure?"

Rodney nodded. He checked once again, and again, and again. He went to the console as I knelt near her, turned the heat up and we waited for a moment. It must have been longer than we thought because the gate was activated and Jumper Two with Major Lorne, Ronon and Teyla came through.

Lorne’s voice finally grabbed my attention, "Colonel, do you read?"

"Yeah," I answered after a while, looking over at McKay one more time to get a nod from him.

"Colonel, this is Teyla, we were concerned. Mr. Woolsey asked us to come and check on you because you didn't check in and you were gone over six hours."

I sighed. Of course, he was concerned, and you don't test a jumper for that long.

"How, how did you find us?" I asked into the comm.

"The Alpha Site told us the gate you dialed. They were concerned too," Major Lorne replied softly.

"Oh."

"Any news?" asked Ronon.

I looked over at McKay. I don't know when he opened the medical kit and wrapped the survival cover over her body. I watched how he spread it over her, taking care of her hair. He was finishing covering her face when I moved and grabbed his hand.

"Wait."

He frowned and looked at me, "Wait," I murmured one more time. "You sure?" I asked him, looking at her features, she looked so peaceful.

He nodded, not able to say a single word, tears pooling in his eyes, barely able to contain them.

I looked down at her body. My left hand reached out and, oblivious to my surroundings, I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. Letting my lips touch her skin. I closed my eyes, her skin so cold. "I … I wish I could … have saved you." I inhaled deeply; "I wish I could have …" I stopped. "'Lizabeth, I'm so…." I swallowed, unable to finish this sentence and brushed invisible hair from her face, "If only I could go back in time, I would. I swear I would," I whispered against her ear. "I would do …" I laughed heartbrokenly, "I told Teyla once, that I would do anything for either of you, think I failed that one with you."

I closed my eyes tighter to fight my tears, hands turning into fists. I let out a shaky breath, "I wanted to, without you, I'm not sure where I would be now. I …"

I looked at her body, her face, and with a shaky hand I pulled the blanket over her face. I stood up and walked passed a stunned Rodney. I closed the bulkhead door, grabbed the commands and opened the rear hatch. I turned the Jumper around as Elizabeth’s body, wrapped in its blanket, moved into space, her final place to rest in peace.

Without another word, Rodney dialed the gate back to the Alpha Site and from here back to Atlantis. We parked the Jumper and I was out before Rodney or anyone else could talk to me. I went straight to my quarters and closed the door. A mental order and the chime was disabled, another one, and no one could override the door. I rushed to the bathroom and slid down the wall.

It didn't took me long to hear banging at my door, and voices outside. No doubt, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla were there. I even suspect Major Lorne was with them.

I heard them trying to open the door. I heard Ronon order McKay to do something, anything to "open that goddamn door."

I took a deep breath and stood up on shaky legs. I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I closed my eyes, pushing away all my emotions and went to the door. A command and it opened just as Ronon was trying to pound on it again.

"What?"

"We … hum… you …" stuttered Rodney.

Teyla looked at me with pained eyes, "We are concerned. You took off without a word."

I sighed, "Teyla … it's …"

I look over at Lorne; it was easier to deal with the military staff, than with my team who were also my friends, "I'm all right, go and make your report to Mr. Woolsey. If he needs me, I'm here." Lorne nodded and left without another word.

"It's just like that?" asked Ronon.

"Yeah, it's just like that," I answered, understanding his question too well. He looked at me closely and finally turned around too.

Teyla looked from Rodney to me and finally settled her gaze on me, "Colonel, if you need anything, I'm in my quarters."

I nodded once. I heard her sigh and she left too. Rodney was still standing in front of me, shifting from one foot to another, "Do you need anything more?"

He shook his head, "I never should have …"

"Shut up, I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to hear we could or should have done anything differently. Don't you think I know that?"

Rodney looked at me, eyes wide. I took a deep breath and tiredly said, "Go to your quarters, rest, work … I shrug, we have tomorrow off, so…"

"So? That's all? That's all that you’re gonna say? Maybe we should….I don't know. I can always try to create another power source,"

"Rodney?"

"I can try to… Wait! I think I have a prototype …"

"Rodney!!"

He stopped and looked at me, "She's dead, Rodney. There's nothing left, nothing. You saw that too. You checked, you even triple checked, and you didn't find a single nanites with power."

He nodded, suddenly aware of the truth. His shoulders hunched as he walked slowly away from my door. I stepped back inside and closed it once more, making sure all the controls were disabled. I walked to the depths of my room to a crate placed under my desktop. I opened it and grabbed the earthenware pot I had given Elizabeth so long ago. I looked at it for a longtime, and finally put it on my desk.

I activated my comm, "Sheppard to McKay, come in." After a few seconds, I heard a pained, "Yeah."

I sighed deeply, "When you created Fran, was she immunized against the A.R.G?"

"Humm…. Why do you ask?"

"Was she?" I pushed.

"I don't know."

"Sheppard out."

"Wait!" Whatever McKay had to say has to wait for tomorrow or another day.

A gust of wind reminded me that it's too early in the morning to stay here. I look back to the end of the pier, Ronon isn't there anymore. I look at my watch; it's past 4 am. I walk back into the room, grab my clothes and finally step into the bathroom. It's time to do something.

  
*** * * ***   


Thirty minutes later, Colonel John Sheppard is in the mess grabbing some breakfast. Watching the comings and goings of everyone on board.

Some were finishing their night shift, some were beginning their journey.

He had a book with him and read over the pages until it was late enough to speak to Woolsey.

  
*** * * ***   


"Colonel, you know I can't give you the permission…" answered Woolsey as I paced in front of his desk.

I ran my hands through my hair, "I don't want your permission, I want your authorization to take a jumper, an ARG, and head to a world where's no life signs have been recorded for the last three years..."

"Like Sateda?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Yeah, like Sateda. No people, no Wraith anymore. A planet I know because I went there with Ronon when he brought back some stuff after he killed the wraith that made him a runner. I know where the gate is. I get through, open the cover, do my thing, and come back."

"And if the ARG doesn't work?" Woolsey asked me with a contrite look.

"It will work," I heard from behind me. Woolsey looked over my shoulder and frowned as he asked, "How do you know that, Dr McKay?"

"When we dialed Earth last night to make our report, I talked with Colonel Carter and she gave me another wave length in case the one we have won't work."

Woolsey and I nodded. "Well, in that case, I don't see why you can't go," finished Woolsey reluctantly, standing up and heading to the door.

"Good." I’m about to leave Woolsey's office when I hear Rodney say, "We’re going with you."

I stopped and turned around, face blank, "No! No one is coming with me."

"Why? Why not? You think you are going alone? That you are the only one suffering? Do you think you are the only one who lost a friend?" McKay cried in my face. I turned around as he tried to pass me. I grabbed his arms and leaned into him, my mouth near his ear.

"You want to come with me? Huh? Then what? Do you think you will be able to watch me pull the trigger? Or do you want to do it yourself?"

I felt him shudder where I held him and saw him pale as my words sank in. He looked at me with wide open eyes, and shook his head once. I nodded, telling him without words that I understood his decision. Yeah, it won't be pretty at all. And I can't ask him to come with me or to help me do it. No one can do it. I looked back at Woolsey and headed out.

One hour later, alone in the jumper, I waited for the ‘ready to go’ from the control room. First I went to the alpha site, and then to the space gate.

It didn't take me long to see her body in the shroud made with the survival cover. I closed the bulkhead door, opened the rear hatch and put her in. It took me less than ten minutes to do all this then I didn't waste any time dialing Sateda.

Once through the gate I cloaked the Jumper, then a quick scan told me there were no life signs on the planet. I landed the cloaked Jumper near the gate. I opened the door and was almost afraid to see her standing there smiling at me.

I closed my eyes a brief instant, opened them. No, she wasn't, her body was still on the floor. I checked with the manual scanner and the computer Rodney gave me to see if there was any vital sign. Not even a faint vibe, not a nanite was vibrating. She "died" faster than Niam had. Rodney expected that, but had somehow hoped he wasn't right.

I open the shroud. She still looked peaceful; her body was damaged. I opened the blanket, making sure she was on it. I walked to the co-pilot’s seat and grabbed the two ARGs, and the earthenware pot I took with me.

I put it on the floor and grabbed the first ARG, the one with the old frequency, the one the Azurans had overridden quickly, when we went there to rob them of a ZPM.

I aimed the weapon and pointed it to her body. And then nothing, I was frozen in place. I couldn’t fire it. I couldn't, I simply couldn't fire it. I inhaled deeply, closed my eyes, took a better grip on the ARG, pointed and my hands began to shake. I sat on the bench in the rear compartment and closed my eyes.

 _"Elizabeth!"_

 _"Get to the jumper!"_

 _"You're coming with us!"_

 _A small shake of her head, "I can't keep them frozen much longer!"_

 _"We are **not** leaving you behind!" I told her sternly. _

_"If you don’t leave right now, **none** of us will get out of here, so _go_." She turned her head slightly towards me and finally said, "THAT’S AN ORDER!"_

She never should have turned toward me because it broke her concentration and Oberoth lowered his hand and the replicators began to move. I remember Ronon grabbed me around the waist to make me move and urged me, "Come on!!"

 _I looked one more time at her, and cried in anguish, "Elizabeth!"_

 _She turned around and looked at me, her eyes so expressive, showing everything she had in her gaze, "Go!"_

  
*** * * ***   


I sighed deeply, eyes still closed.

"If Ronon hadn't pulled you away, you would have died with me."

I opened my eyes. Sitting on the bench on the other side of the compartment was Elizabeth, dressed in a red shirt and her conventional BDU.

I frowned, rubbing my hand over my face, "You should be dead."

"I think I am," she answered me with a smile.

"What, how … do you …?" I struggled to get the words out.

She stood up and moved to sit next to me. Reaching up she put a finger on my mouth, "Shhhh …"

I looked into her eyes, shining with tears, "John, you have to do it. You have to do what you were coming for. You can't go on this way."

"I…"

"You have to," she whispered, "because if you don't, you won't be able to move on."

"I don't want to move on," I replied, looking at the floor, my brain still trying to figure out how she could possibly be there when her physical body was gone so long ago.

"If I do this, I will lose you forever," I whispered back, feeling a single tear escaping my eyes.

She smiled, and shook her head, "No, you won't because I'm still here." She reached out to me and placed her hand over my heart. "John, you cannot change what happened that day, just as I cannot change the day I chose to come to Atlantis, or the way I decided to protect the people I love. You know that I'm still there … inside you. You know it and that's what makes it so difficult."

I shook my head, trying to protest against her words.

"John, look at me." I lifted my eyes, to lock with hers, "I … we ..."

"I know…"

"No, you don't," I shouted suddenly "You don't know, you don't know the feeling, you don't know the ache. We don’t leave anyone behind, and we left you 'Lizabeth, we left you. We betrayed you the worst way possible, we left you."

"No, you didn't, I chose to stay. I chose to protect you. I was the one making the decision, not you. You didn't leave me, I ordered you to go."

"I shouldn't have," I replied stubbornly.

She smiled and answered, "Yes, you should and you did, and I thank you for this because you are still here and alive."

I shook my head, "But you aren't anymore, and I can't …"

"What?" she inquired softly.

"I can't tell you …" I stumbled on the words.

"Yes, you can," she said, her voice just above a whisper.

"I … loved you …" I uttered softly.

"I know and I think I knew from the start, but you have to do what you were coming to do. Because like I said I will still be here," she reached out to my heart, and then moved to my head, "and here."

I nodded once.

"Promise me, you won't forget me, John."

"I won't," I replied, shaking my head to tell her it wouldn't happen.

"Good. Then you can do it, I’m ready."

I looked up at her as she moved from her place near me to stand just above Fran/Elizabeth's body. I stood up too and grabbed her arm, pulling her toward me. As the motion pulled her to my body, she turned her head to look at me, opening her mouth to admonish me. But I wrapped my mouth over hers and swallowed every protest she could make. The kiss was soft and tender. I pulled her even closer to me. She grasped my back and hugged me tight. I felt my eyes watering.

"It's gonna be all right, John, just pull the trigger. Do it," she whispered against my ear.

I shook my head. She hugged me tighter and whispered, "I love you too."

  
*** * * ***   


The sound of a blast of energy made me open my eyes. I was standing above what should have been Fran/Elizabeth's body, but there were only pieces of neutronium on the blanket. I looked around. I was alone, and the ARG weapon had worked.

I sat on the bench and grabbed my head in my hands, looking at what used to be Elizabeth. I took the pot and began to collect the pieces to store them when I heard, "You did good, John Sheppard. Thank you." When I lifted my eyes and looked around the Jumper I was still alone.

The blanket was clean; I'd put everything in the pot. I covered it with the lid and put it carefully in the backpack I brought with me. I looked around once more and shook my head; I still wondered what had happened. I took my place in the pilot seat and dialed a safe space gate and from there I dialed the Alpha Site and finally Atlantis.

It took me fifteen minutes to head back home. When I arrived, Woolsey was standing in the gate room. I nodded once; he nodded back and headed to his office.

As always, I parked the Jumper in the bay and headed out, just as Rodney, Ronon and Teyla stepped through the door.

I gave the scanner and computer back to Rodney and took the backpack with me. I didn't say a word and they didn't ask me anything. I can't thank them enough for that.

They didn't follow me either.

I reached my quarters and put the pot on my desk. I sat on the chair and looked at the pot. We should have done more for her. We never should have given up so easily after we found our replicates. The moment we came home, the decision was made to ship her personal items home. We didn't have a ceremony or anything, we packed her things and they were sent back with the Daedalus. The only items we kept were the Atosian pot I offered her for her first birthday here in Atlantis and the little Buddhas from her desk.

  
*** * * ***   


I closed my eyes, trying to wrap my mind around what happened in that Jumper. I'm sure she was there with me. I'm sure of it; I still can feel her lips on mine. I let the feeling wash over me, a sense of guilt and peace spreading through my veins. I can't understand why, but behind the guilt, I'm at peace. And I shouldn't be. I tried to rest, shower and even work. But after what seemed to be hours of trying to understand what happened in that Jumper I finally gave up and headed for the gym.

  
*** * * ***   


When I arrived, the marines were already training with Teyla and Ronon. As I stepped into the room, everyone stopped. I looked at them and gestured for them to continue.

Teyla is on one side of the room, training the new female recruits, and Ronon is with the older staff. I see Evan learning a new move. I have to smile. I already know it. Not easy that one. As I expected, Ronon stopped Evan's movement, "No, not that way." He adjusted the arm, "This way."

Same error I did repeatedly; must be the marine training. Can't find any other explanation because all people who aren't marines are able to do it correctly. Evan nodded once and repeated the movement until he got it right.

The training session was finally over and Teyla and Ronon were going to spar together. I took the sticks and began to exercise alone. I looked at how they sparred together and listened to their breathing. They moved like they were dancing, a long, slow and efficient dance.

I continued to exercise alone, twirling the stick like Teyla taught me, adding movement Ronon taught me. I didn't realize they’d stopped until I reached a point where I could stop myself. I looked around and Teyla was meditating as Ronon was waiting for me.

I moved my sticks to him and Ronon nodded. In one swift move, he was near me. We began to spar and I was able to efficiently disarm Ronon of one of his sticks. He looked astonished for a moment but he recovered rapidly, and fought me back with only one stick. He pushed me back. I almost lost a stick, but I tightened my grip and fought back. I felt a surge of anger run through me and I fought Ronon back with all I had. I countered every one of his blows, adding my force into the one I delivered. At one point I had him in retreat, and fought him back. I pushed him back again and again. I saw out of the corner of my eye that Teyla stood up and looked at us, a frown on her face. I lifted my sticks and shattered them against the one Ronon was using to protect himself. Ronon's stick broke in two and I was about to lash out with another blow when I looked at his face. Utter astonishment greeted me. I opened my hands and let my sticks fall to the floor and held my hands up in surrender.

I walked backwards as Teyla began to walk toward me, "Colonel?"

"I … I …" I turned around and walked out of the gym. The situation reminded me too much of when I was under the influence of the Iratus Bug poison and sparred with Teyla who was suddenly overpowered. I remembered the way I couldn't control any of my feelings.

I knew what I had to do, so I ran to the infirmary and to Carson who was in the city for a short time. As soon as I spotted him, I walked to him and in a whisper urged him, "Carson, I need your help."

Carson looked up from his computer, a frown on his face. No wonder. I was sweaty and must look rather distressed, "Colonel, what can I do for you?"

"Hum, I need you to run some tests on me," I pressed.

"Tests? Did you do something you shouldn't have?"

I shook my head and pressed, "I need you to take a full scan and check if there's any nanites in my body and then test my blood for any retrovirus or anything strange…."

Carson frowned and looked at me again, "Did you just say …?"

"Yeah, I just said what you think I said. I need you to check this and check it quickly, please?"

Still frowning, Carson nodded. He finally surrendered and gestured to the scanner, "Ok lad, lie here so we can run these tests."

I nodded, and hopped on the scanner bed, waiting for Carson to tell me the results. Once the scanner finished, I looked over at Carson and waited, "Well, what's the verdict?"

"I have to say there's no nanites in your system, Colonel," Carson stated, after looking at the screen.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. Why are you so determined to know if there's any nanites in your body?"

"Well, I spent some time alone in a Jumper with … and I touched her, it, her … well, you know what I mean." Carson nodded. I passed my hand over my face, and continued, "Well and I kinda, well, I disarmed Ronon, and made him retreat under my attacks. It’s never happened before and the last time it happened I was infected." I finished just above a whisper, shuddering at the thought.

Carson looked stunned for a moment, and then smiled at me, "Well, I can assure you there's …"

Carson was interrupted by the general communication system from the city, "Colonel Sheppard, please report to the control room."

I shook my head, looking pleadingly at Carson. He nodded and I was relieved when he took over, "Control room, this is Carson; Colonel Sheppard is under my care at the infirmary. He can't report for the next …" he looked over at me and added with a smile, "few hours. Carson, out."

I smiled gratefully at him. He lifted my sleeve and locked the tourniquet on my arms and drew some blood. In fact, a lot of blood - three tubes.

"Colonel, I suggest you make yourself comfortable. There's a bed in the back away from any disturbances. It’s protected so you don't need to put scrubs on. Maybe a little rest would be a good idea."

I nodded and headed to the back of the infirmary when I heard footsteps and Rodney asking, "Carson, where is he?"

I hurried to the end of the infirmary behind the last curtain and sat on the bed, listening to the conversation going on in the main area.

"I can't tell you," Carson answered in his most professional voice.

I heard Rodney humph, and smiled when I heard Carson reply, "You know the rules, Rodney. Every person here is under my care and if I say you cannot see him, then you can't."

"We understand, Carson but we are here to give him support," Teyla told them.

"I know, love, but still…"

I heard someone pacing. Must be Ronon without a doubt. It's confirmed when I hear him ask, "Doc, if it’s because I did something I should not have…?"

"I don't think it's something you did, big guy," Carson replied softly.

"Doc, if this has something to do with what happened at the gym, he does not have to feel responsible," continued Ronon.

"No, no, I assure you, it has nothing to do with that."

"Wait, wait. What happened during the gym session?" McKay asked hurriedly.

I heard Carson sigh and then he said in his most professional voice, "Rodney, I don't think this is any of your concern." I smiled because if someone could make Rodney silent, it was Carson. Even if Carson was not our Carson, he's still our Carson. If that makes any sense. I stopped trying to understand it a long time ago when we pulled him out of the stasis chamber and he became a part of our life again.

"He's here, so he is our concern," shouted Rodney back at Carson. Hidden behind my curtain I had to smile. Rodney wasn't someone who could express concern easily except when it came to the members of our team. It was something else - like he became another person, a person who only wants to protect us. Strange how you can misunderstand a person when you don't know them properly.

"Rodney, I can't possibly tell you what happened."

"Doesn't matter, we’re sticking around. So, if he needs us we’re here. We won't disturb you; we’ll hang out in this area." I can picture him gesturing around the left side of the infirmary with the temporary beds, empty for the moment.

"Rodney?" Carson sighed desperately.

"Here and we won't disturb you," Rodney finally stated in his voice that meant ‘no need to argue with me, I made a decision, live with it’. I heard Carson sigh and I knew Rodney had won his argument. I heard rustling and furniture being moved and knew they were settling in for the night.

I decided Carson's advice wasn’t that bad, after all and rest would be a good thing so I settled down for the night too.

  
*** * * ***   


I woke up, hearing people talking. I couldn’t make out the conversation but I was sure it was Rodney speaking to … I couldn't figure it out. But I heard when he said, "I was sitting there in the Jumper when I found that code line, and I shared it with her. She was just as thrilled as me and we thought it would be good to alter their code one more time. I never should have insisted."

"What's done is done, McKay," I heard Ronon reply.

"I never should have… I never should have …" I heard him hiccupping.

"Rodney, you are not responsible for this," Carson said.

"No, you don't understand. She was lying there on that bed, badly hurt. The city was a wreck, Sheppard was everywhere and nowhere at once, trying to keep us from certain death, and Jennifer was telling me we had to do something right now or she would die." I closed my eyes when I heard the anguish in his voice. "You were already gone, Carson, I didn't want to …"

"You did not want to lose someone else from what you consider your family?" asked Carson softly.

I couldn't hear Rodney's answer. But I'm sure he was nodding because even I wasn’t thrilled with his idea to reactivate the nanites in her body. When the door opened to that room and I saw her sitting on the bed, I can't deny I was overjoyed to see her alive again.

I never expected to lead her to her death.

I closed my eyes briefly because the next thing I knew, I heard the rustle from the curtain and heavy footsteps.

I didn't move and waited for the person to speak. It didn't take long. "Sheppard, listen. I’m not sure if you're awake or not…" It was Ronon. I should have known. I heard him hesitate and then he took a deep breath, "You know you can take your anger out on me when you want. You do not have to freak out and think … well, I do not know what you thought, but you were wrong. I can take it."

I opened my eyes and looked over at him; he was moving a chair to sit at my bedside.

"Hey," I whispered.

He smiled and looked over his shoulder to check if the curtain was closed, "Well huh, like I said, you can always take your anger out on me."

"I'm not angry," I whispered back.

"Yeah, sure," he shook his head.

I looked over at him and gestured to the curtain, "Are they all right? I mean, did they sleep?"

Ronon nodded and gestured to me, asking me the same question, I sighed and replied, "Yeah, I slept, thanks to Beckett's little relaxant pill."

Ronon grinned, he knew the pills too. Carson only uses them on specific people - especially on him and me to make sure we relax and actually sleep when we are in recovery. After Carson we are the worst patients.

"You didn't say anything when you came back." I nodded at Ronon's words. What could I say? I wasn't ready to talk about it.

He cleared his throat, and looked at his hands, "You asked me once if I left someone on Sateda. I didn't reply and you asked me if it was a wife." Ronon stopped like he was trying to gather strength to finish what he was saying, so I finished for him. "And you said to me ‘close enough’."

He nodded, "Yeah, that is what I said." He sighed, lifted his hand and tied his dreads together. I had to smile; he told us once he would cut them but he never did; now they are almost to the middle of his back. He looked over at me like he was reading my mind and said, "I should have cut them when Carson died, because that is what we do on Sateda…." He caught himself, "when a member of the family dies, but I could not. I didn’t know how everyone here would take it so I didn’t do anything." The floor must be interesting again because he focused on it as he continued in a deep voice. "When Elizabeth asked me to follow you on Earth I learned your customs for when someone dies and they are vastly different from mine and Teyla's." I nodded, I already knew that. He sighed again and continued. His voice even deeper, "I could not bury her properly or honor her properly either because, once the bomb exploded, it did not take long for the wraiths to descend on the hospital and take me prisoner. I escaped them and began to run, only to be caught a few days later. The rest you know." Ronon caught and shifted uneasily in front of me. I nodded and smiled at him, telling him without words to continue. He composed himself again and resumed his talking, "Huh, I… I do not know what you had with Elizabeth, but…" My eyes widened and I was going to reply when he smiled, "You must have been blind not to see anything. Or rather no one saw anything, but I observed a lot. She felt the same about you but would never have risked your position. I am sure of that."

I nodded because I knew that too.

Ronon closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "Anyway, I … you … we … when you are ready to say good-bye, come and we will do something if you like." He stood up and was about to leave when I stopped him, "Ronon?" he turned and looked at me, "Thank you."

"You are welcome." He nodded and finally left.

I closed my eyes and let sleep overcome me again, thinking about what Ronon told me just before he left. I nodded to myself. Yeah, when I was ready - but that wasn't the case…for the moment.


	2. Chapter 2

*** * * ***

The fairy tale always says ‘time passed’, and after I was satisfied the way Rodney was recovering from his brain surgery in the Atlantis Infirmary, I went to my room and changed into workout clothes.

I still can't understand how we came so close to losing him, why we didn't notice it before. I began to run, higher and faster. I needed to work off the stress, the frustration, the anger and helplessness I’d felt for too long.

I ran for over two hours and finished my workout in the training room. There I took some banto sticks and began to train alone against the dummy boy, standing in the room.

I wanted to scream, scream at the top of my lungs, how unfair every moment in life can be. This expedition has suffered too much. We never should have come, we never should have go to Athos, never should have helped the people. I hit harder.

I should never have killed the queen that night; the Wraiths would still be asleep. People would still be alive and …

I hit harder again, breaking the stick in two. I twirled the other one in my hand, judging its weight with the movement. I turned around and moved like Teyla taught me - with slow movements - like the dummy man was an enemy.

I didn't hear the door open, but I knew I wasn't alone anymore because the moment I lashed out with my stick on the dummy man, another stick stopped me. I looked up, and saw Ronon at the end of it.

He looked at me and frowned, "How long?"

"Not long enough," I replied.

"I can see that," he replied with a smile. He pushed against my stick and we moved to the center of the room. He handed me one of his sticks. I took it and began to spar with him.

We didn't say a word. We began to circle around each other; he feinted, attacked from the left, the right, made me walk backwards. I was able to block most of his attack. We continued to spar in silence until I heard him say.

"I was holding a girl in my arms; she was standing in the front of the windows, looking at me. She didn't see it coming, but I did. It was a ball of fire, it didn’t take long. The explosion reached me and knocked me out. When I regained consciousness, I was in the middle of wraith."

I stopped my movement and looked at him.

"I escaped them," he added with a smile. With a shrug he finished, "Not for long, because after that I was on the hive and later I was a runner."

I nodded, knowing all this, "What's the point of this?"

"To make you talk?" he added while smashing his stick against mine. I blocked him, and answered, "I don't want to talk."

"You are sulking, Sheppard."

"I'm not."

"You are, so tell me something. Like I just did with you," Ronon replied with a grunt as I pushed him back.

I stopped my movement and threw the sticks on the floor. Ronon anticipated my movement and moved to the door, blocking my escape.

"Not running away, Sheppard," he said, crossing his arms and standing in the middle of the door.

"Move."

"No."

"That's an order," I said tensely.

"You cannot order me on this one, Sheppard," Ronon stated with a shrug. "You can always try to make me."

I turned around, frustrated; I walked to the far end of the room, grabbed my sticks and continued to hit the dummy. I turned around. Ronon was still in the same place. I began to pace, looking up to see Ronon still hadn’t moved. Twice I turned around and moved up to him, only to turn around at the last moment.

"Sheppard, you should talk," Ronon said evenly.

"I don't want to talk; I just want you to move from this doorway so I can go out and finish my training session."

"I think you are finished."

"That's not up to you to judge if I'm finished or not, so move!" I looked up and if I thought Ronon was tall, he was even taller now. "That's a direct order, so move out of my way, RONON!"

"Make me," was his sole reply.

I narrowed my eyes, but I controlled my anger and instead, moved to the punching bag hanging there and began to punch it. After a moment Ronon came and helped me by holding the bag.

I was panting, trying to keep up a steady rhythm. Even with Ronon holding the bag, I couldn't let go completely.

He didn't say anything else, just held onto the punching bag while I pounded it.

Eventually I had to stop to catch my breath again. I dropped to my knees. He crouched on the other side.

"I saw her in the jumper," I whispered and saw him frown. "I know it's not possible but I saw her, she told me to pull the trigger, and …" I had to stop, close my eyes, and inhale deeply to keep the tears at bay, "I did."

He nodded.

I was looking at my hands; they were red from the workout session and the endless punches I gave the bag.

I closed my eyes for a second and assessed the situation. I never felt so alone in my life, not even when my father ignored me.

I stood up, walked to the bench where I had my sports bag to retrieve a towel and ended up punching the wall with my right hand

"Sheppard, stop!" I heard behind me, my mind not able to register the command. I was on my way to launch the next punch when arms pulled me back and stopped me.

"Stop it, Sheppard. Look at your hand."

Ronon. He hadn't left the gym, he was still there. I looked at my hand, and noticed the blood. I tried to move my hand, but it hurt like hell, and I groaned with the pain.

"You broke the bones, don’t move." I saw him reach out and take the towel from my bag. He gently turned me around and pushed me on the bench. He crouched in front of me, and wrapped the towel around my hand, making sure not to jar it too much.

I took a deep breath, "I'm not good at that, but I'm … I’m sorry. I never … I never should have taken it out on you. I'm responsible for all this mess."

He looked at me, frowning. I laughed without humor, "Rodney told me to talk, Teyla too and you, but you can't help me." I scratched my ear with my left hand, "I never should have asked her. I never should have approved the mission, I…"

Ronon looked at me, eyes sad, "Don't…"

I nodded, and whispered back, "No, I should have been a better CO then, and made sure she was safe, and tell her … well," I shrugged, "She would still be there, alive… she would, we …"

"John, what's done is done..." I heard Ronon reply gently.

"I know. And that’s why it’s killing me," I murmured back. I stood up, putting the injured hand against my chest.

"It’s killing me from the inside, Ronon, and each time I close my eyes she's there."

"John…"

I didn't hear the rest of it, as I moved out the gym and went to the infirmary.

 *** * * ***

Since Heightmeyer died, I hadn’t been to the new psycho… whatever they name it, so once my hand was taken care of, I followed Carson into his office.

"Colonel?"

"I… listen doc, I'm not really … I need to sleep, and I can't and I need to be effective. And I’m not, I have… You see, lately I don't really care if I get shot or not. Do you think you can give me some pills to cure that?"

Carson was looking at me, concern, pain, and compassion written all over his face, "Let me see what I can do."

I nodded and watched him retrieving the pills. "Okay, here you go, one of these evenings, and one of these three times a day."

I looked at the bottles and had to smirk, "Yep, understood."

I turned around, he didn't want to keep me at the infirmary because he knew I wouldn't be at ease there, and he’d given me everything I needed.

I walked back to my quarters and once in my room, I put the bottle on the desk and walked into the bathroom. With difficulty I was able to get out of my clothes and under the shower, making sure to protect my hand.

Beckett had cleaned the cuts and the wounds then had put a cast around it made of this new resin material. The cast was light and tight, but at least I could move with it.

After the shower I tried to get into some conventional clothes. After some struggling I was finally clothed. I looked over at the desk. The pills were near the pot in front of a picture of Aidan Ford and I in his garden - we were playing football. His grandma made the picture.

I sighed and grabbed the pill bottle. One at night. Think again, doc. I haven't slept for more nights than you can imagine.

I pulled out three pills, and put them on the desk. This was the easiest solution. Was it a solution or just an escape?

 *** * * ***

  
John sat on the floor for a long time; so long he didn't even see the sun come up. He didn't react when he was called over his com or over the tannoy in his room. He didn't react either at the scraping and banging at his door.

His hold on the lock began to loosen; he couldn't block the door any longer, not after the last few days and his lack of sleep. He looked over the earthenware pot and felt his eyes well up with tears.

He scrubbed his hands over his head and rubbed his finger over his tired eyes. On the other side of the door he heard Ronon, "Sheppard, it's me, let me in."

John shook his head, like Ronon could see it from the other side of the door. He lifted his head and tried to concentrate on the door and the lock. But he knew he failed when the door gave and Ronon came in, closing it behind him, and locking it to be sure no one would follow him. John looked up, trying to hide the tears on his face, wiping them with his hands, but failing miserably as more tears were shed with each passing second.

Ronon walked to the desk and looked at the pills; he didn't say anything and put down the tray he was carrying. John could see sandwiches and a pot of coffee.

"I thought you might need this," Ronon said, while pouring some coffee into a cup and handing it to John who grabbed the mug with shaky hands.

Ronon took the other one and sat near John. He didn't say anything, just sat there and waited. John sipped his coffee between silent sobs.

Ronon looked out the windows, it was near noon, "Woolsey gave us the day off, and he also said we don’t have to go on off world mission if we don’t want to.

John nodded. Everyone knew Woolsey wasn't usually that kind; someone must have said something to him, and John suspected it was Teyla.

Ronon shifted and rubbed his hand over his face then looked at his hands, "You told me she talked to you in the jumper."

John's breath hitched. Ronon looked over at him and waited. John took a deep breath, and looked at Ronon, "She said we did good, she said she sacrificed herself to protect us, she … I never should have left her, I never …"

Ronon looked out the window again, and cleared his throat uncomfortably, "You remember when we were trapped in quarantine the first time on this planet?"

John frowned and nodded, "I was trapped with Teyla, and she was still pregnant."

"I was trapped in the infirmary with Keller." He laughed, "I am sure she did not know then she would go for Rodney," he looked at John and saw him smile. "She reminded me a lot of someone I left on Sateda." He sighed deeply, "She was not my wife, but she was the one I loved more than my life. I traded everything we had to put her on a ship when the wraiths attacked," he stopped and looked over at John, seeing him listening intently. "She was a healer, huh, a doctor just like Keller is. They are a lot alike. Like her, Melena, that is her name, put way too much pressure on herself."

John smiled a little, "It's a beautiful name."

"Yeah, it was," Ronon shifted, "I wanted her to leave but she chose to stay behind and help the others. Should have forced her to go." He looked over at John and saw him shake his head, "When I told Keller during the quarantine she told me it wasn't my fault, that she chose to stay and that I shouldn't put the blame on myself." He saw John nod and continued, "Elizabeth chose to stay, without her everyone on Atlantis would be dead now. I will use Keller's words; it's not your fault. She _chose_ to stay. Don't put the blame on yourself."

John was still shaking his head, Ronon shifted uncomfortably and looked at John again, "She decided to save us, she decided to stay behind, and she decided again to protect us after the problem with Koracen. Even if you had given your life, you wouldn't have made her change her mind."

"I should never have agreed to this plan…" began John, only to be cut off by Ronon.

"You didn’t. You made it clear. You stated your plan like everyone else, but your thing…"

"The IOA?"

"Yes, those ones. They agreed with none of our plans, and agreed only with the one suggested by Elizabeth, remember?"

"Yeah, I should never have agreed to let her stay in the room," muttered John.

"Never saw you win against her," answered Ronon.

"You're right," muttered John. He shifted on the floor, leaning his head against the wall behind him, took a deep breath and looked at the earthenware pot on his desk.

"You told me to tell you when I'm ready to …" He looked over at Ronon who nodded, "Well, I am."

"Okay." Ronon stood up and held his hand out for John. He reached in his pocket for his com and put it on. "Ronon for Major Lorne?"

John frowned, and listened to Ronon's side of the conversation, "Ten minutes and we are with you. Okay."

John gestured to Ronon and his headset, "What was that?"

Ronon shifted from one foot to the other as John lifted his eyebrow, "Well, huh, we are all on stand-by at the city until you are well enough again to go off world." John nodded and Ronon continued, "I asked Major Lorne to stay on stand-by in case I could talk to you, and you would be ready to do," he gestured around, and finished, "something …"

John nodded, and followed Ronon as he walked to the door, "What do you have planned for me?"

Ronon shrugged and stated, "For the moment you have to follow me." Ronon moved to the door and when they stepped out they found, Rodney, Teyla, Carson and Kanaan with Torren, waiting for them.

"We're ready to go?" asked Rodney.

Ronon nodded and moved ahead of them. John followed him closely, "Do they all have to go with us?"

"Yep."

Ronon walked through the city, John and the others trailing behind him. They walked to the southern pier, the one that wasn't currently inhabited. Suddenly John turned around and looked behind him and was surprised to see most of the city following them. He hadn't noticed Teyla had recovered the earthenware pot from his desk; neither had he noticed Rodney was holding Tyre's sword or that Carson was holding a bundle of fabric.

They reached the southern pier where Major Lorne was waiting in front of a closed door.

"Sir."

"Major."

Lorne looked over at Ronon, "Everything is ready."

"Thanks."

John looked at Lorne with a frown on his face, "Is that a matter of martial court?"

"I don’t think so, sir," answered Lorne with a small smile. John nodded, stepped in front of the door, and ordered it to open.

He wasn't prepared for what was on the other side of the door; it was a memorial wall in front of the sea with plants and small trees.

The memorial was written in two parts, one part written in ancient and the other part written in English. At the bottom were flags and symbols to identify the countries and planets of the dead.

John’s breath hitched as he struggled to keep his tears at bay.

Teyla moved from behind him and handed him the pot before moving in front of the memorial.

John only noticed the display on the memorial; it symbolized a ring, the Stargate.

Teyla looked at the people in front of her; she took a deep breath and began.

"I am Teyla Emmagan, daughter of Tagan, and I’ve lived with you for over five years. During those five years I’ve had the privilege to be a part of many victories, but I also have seen many friends fall under fire from the enemy." She stopped and looked at John, Rodney and Carson, and continued. "An enemy that was not theirs to begin with, but you," and she gestured to the people of Atlantis. "You sacrificed almost everything to protect people and a nation. You risked your life when no one asked you to …"

She took a deep breath, "Each of us deals with the loss of people we love in a different manner." She looked at the people in front of her, some nodded, some were silent, and John was too shocked to do or say anything. "After five years among your people, I learned how important some things are for you. One of them is we don't leave our people behind, and the second is if something happens we don't leave our dead behind."

She looked at Woolsey as he moved in front of everyone, "You know how important it is to be able to bury our dead, and to be able to go to their grave. We know we can't go back to Earth to just do that so Teyla and Ronon asked me to make a memorial and I approved it."

He gestured to the wall behind him, "This is a place for peace, a place to pray, to talk to the lost ones." He stopped and looked at the Colonel, "The ones we cared about or the ones we loved." He finished.

He nodded and moved to the side; Ronon stepped in front of everyone. He looked at the crowd and finally focused his attention on John. That's when John noticed he was holding Tyre's sword. He turned around, walked to the memorial, found where Tyre's name was engraved and hung the sword on the hook near it. "We travelled a long road together," he stopped and looked over his shoulder at Sheppard before looking at the memorial again. "Be in peace, old friend. Be in peace." He rubbed his fingers over the name engraved in the stone and finally, after taking a last shaking breath, moved over to stand next to John.

They watched as people slowly put things on the hook or vase near the name of a lost one. After a while they were the only ones left, even Rodney and Teyla had left.

Ronon moved again to the wall. John noticed the little bundle Carson carried before. Ronon knelt in front of the memorial and hooked the fabric over Melena's name; that's when John noticed it was a shawl.

Ronon didn't say a word. Finally he kissed his fingers then placed them over Melena's name, "Goodbye." Then he walked back to John.

 *** * * ***

  
John was still holding the earthenware pot, and was rubbing his hand over the top of it as if to protect it.

He finally moved and walked to the memorial. Elizabeth Weir's name was engraved in the middle of the memorial at the bottom over a little shelf. There was a hook on one side and a vase on the other. Teyla had already put flowers in the vase and Rodney had hung her necklace on the hook. John didn't even know how this one hadn't been sent back to Earth.

He knelt in front of the memorial and with great care put the earthenware pot down, making sure it was stable and secure on the shelf. He stifled a sob and passed his thumb over her name, "We should … we should never have held ourselves back from the love we felt for each other. We …" He stopped and folded himself in two as sobs began to wrack his body.

Ronon, who was still nearby, moved and knelt beside him, squeezing John's shoulder in silent support. John, still on the floor, dealing with his pain grabbed Ronon's hand and squeezed it back. Ronon stayed still for a long moment as John's sobs lasted a long time. He cried for Colonel Sumner, his men, Aiden Ford, Carson, even if they got him back, Elizabeth and all the missed opportunities they would never have. He sobbed about all the dreams which would never come true.

The sobs lessened and now he was crying silently. Over the last hour Ronon had moved to lean on the bench that was there, and John had moved with him, not able to cut the connection he had with Ronon whose hand he was still holding.

When Ronon moved, John changed position too. Ronon didn't say anything when he grabbed the front of his shirt and twisted his hand in it, leaning heavily against his shoulder.

Ronon waited until he felt John release his hold on his shirt and his breath evened out. He then reached into his holster, grabbed the syringe filled with enough muscle relaxant to knock him out and pushed it into John's upper arm. It didn't take long for the sedative to act. Ronon lifted John up and transported him out into the hall where Carson was waiting with a stretcher.

The moment the door opened, Carson pushed the stretcher toward Ronon who lowered John on it. Carson nodded his thanks and began a quick check of his vital signs. After a few minutes he nodded again and gave Ronon the OK to go.

Slowly they began to push the stretcher toward John’s quarters. As they walked, Carson and Ronon spoke about what happened and Ronon confirmed what they talked about earlier in the day; he would keep vigil in John's room.

As they arrived in front of John’s room, they retrieved Teyla and Rodney who were walking back from the mess with some trays of food. They followed them to John's quarters; Ronon pushed the stretcher to the bed, then with great care, lifted John from it and put him on the bed. Carson checked him once more and made sure he was comfortable before leaving the three friends together.

Rodney and Teyla had put the trays on the desk. After checking on John and Ronon they finally left the room too. As the stepped out, Rodney stopped at the door, turned around and looked over at John’s sleeping form, "If you need anything…"

"I will call …"

"I still don't …" Rodney stopped what he was saying and looked at Ronon, "I'll leave my headset on; I'll probably be in the lab, working."

Ronon nodded.

The door closed in the hall. Teyla stopped Rodney, "You are a great friend, Rodney, don't forget that."

Rodney nodded and smiled but the smile never reached his eyes, "I feel …"

"Left out?" mused Teyla. Rodney nodded and Teyla smiled. "Well, you shouldn't."

"I should be in there with him, but I know I wouldn't be any help at all because I suck at this emotion thing. I don't think Ronon is better than I am, but for some reason I know he's better than me in there to help him."

Teyla nodded and smiled at Rodney, "They both share a past, Rodney, and they both lost a loved one."

Rodney nodded and finally moved to his own quarters.

 *** * * ***

  
Ronon settled on the sofa, grabbed John's computer, reached into his pocket and pulled out Rodney's note.

Carefully he opened the computer, launched it, counted to fifty and then opened the CD player. He pulled out the CD Rodney had given him. Then he launched the right program, and set the computer back in its place.

Finally he grabbed the book he was currently reading and settled on the sofa.

John twitched in his sleep, Ronon lifted his head and checked on him, the cover had slipped from his shoulders; he pulled it up and resumed his reading.

Carson told him he should be sleeping for at least five hours, more or less. Ronon hoped he would sleep more than that, because the last few weeks had put a strain on John.

Not only had the man lost weight but he now had a constant frown on his face. He often was up late, training in the shooting room. Even if Ronon felt safe in the city, he couldn't help but stay awake some nights, wandering the halls. He often stopped at Rodney's lab to watch him work and sometimes he ended up in the shooting range, watching over John's training. He almost never failed lately. He could empty a whole 9mm without making two shooting holes in the paper target.

He often stayed until John left. He never knew if John knew he was hovering over him or not and right now, he didn't care.

He just knew they had one thing in common, one painful thing. He accepted the loss and her death long ago but he never got the chance to say goodbye.

He was thankful to everyone on Atlantis for giving him this opportunity, and he was even more thankful to them for allowing a memorial in the wall of the city. During all those years he learned that those traditions were important for them, so he battled over the last few weeks with Woolsey to get this done. Once some people knew he was trying to make something for all of them they supported his initiative.

And Woolsey hadn't much of a choice, so he gave in.

 *** * * ***

  
He awoke from his sleep when he heard the door slide shut. Immediately alert, he looked at the bed, and saw John was missing. He stood up, ran to the door, waited for it to open, and then stopped to see where John has headed.

He listened and heard footsteps; he began to follow them, and without a doubt, he was following John.

After a few moments he knew where he was heading, and slowed his pace.

He didn't fail in his guessing; John was heading for the southern pier to the memorial. He finally reached the door, it wasn't closed. He stopped at the doorstep - John was kneeling in front of the memorial, eyes closed,

Ronon didn't move. After a few moments, he saw John pull out something from his pocket, open the earthenware pot and put it in.

Then John stood up and looked over at Ronon. He looked back to the memorial, and whispered, "Goodbye, 'Lizabeth."

Ronon didn't say anything, and as John stepped out, he fell back in step with him. After a few moments, Ronon looked over at him.

"You all right?"

John shrugged, and shook his head, "No." He fell silent, stopped walking and looked at Ronon, "No, but now I think I will be." He looked around him and extended his hand to Ronon to shake hands with him and finally pull him in a hug, "Thank you."

Ronon nodded and they walked together to John's quarters.

 *** * * ***

  
That evening, Ronon was sitting in his room, doing Teyla's breathing exercises when he felt a gust of fresh air stream in his room. He frowned; he was pretty certain all his windows were closed. He was about to open his eyes when he heard, "Thank you, Ronon. Thanks for everything."

He opened his eyes and looked around him, he was alone. Windows closed, door closed. He shook his head and closed his eyes again when he heard it a second time, "Thank you, Ronon. Thanks for everything."

He didn't bother to open his eyes and just whispered, "You're welcome, Elizabeth. You are very welcome. May you now be in peace."

"Goodbye, Ronon."

"Goodbye, Elizabeth."

 *** * * ***

  
On the other side of the city, Woolsey, alone in his office was reading over some mission report when he heard distinctly, "Thank you for everything, Richard." He looked up from his reading and frowned in confusion when he noticed he was still alone in the room.

He shook his head and began to read again when a whoosh of air passed and he heard it again.

He was about to call Chuck, but didn't and with a small smile whispered, "You're welcome."

 *** * * ***

  
In his room, John was sitting at his desk, computer open, looking through some pictures. He stopped; he’d just found the perfect one. It was a picture taken a few years back, just after Elizabeth was pulled back from the nanites-induced coma.

They were together on the balcony. Chuck who had a new camera had taken the shot. They were joking together, a cup of coffee in their hands; he was reaching up to push a rebel lock of hair from her face. Chuck snapped at that moment, a rare moment where they hadn't hidden their sentiments behind their work mask. They were happy at that one moment, really happy.

The picture was never displayed, thanks to Chuck, and now John was looking at it.

He pulled out the special paper he asked for some time ago to print pictures, set the printer and after a few more adjustments on the picture, pushed the ‘print’ button.

He took the frame he had retrieved from Elizabeth's things and put the picture in it.

He placed it on the shelf just above the desk, so he could see the picture from everywhere in the room and especially from the bed.

He sighed deeply and finally smiled. This was the right place. He stood up, brushed his fingers over it and left the room. The moment he was about to close the door, he heard her, "Thanks."

He closed his eyes, knowing he was alone, but knowing also it was her. He nodded once, and whispered, "You're welcome." Then he left the room, the door closing slowly behind him.

He walked to the southern pier. When he arrived at the memorial and the door opened, he was relieved to see he was alone.

He walked to the wall, knelt and pulled a small picture from his pocket; it was Elizabeth and Sedge, playing together.

He put the photo between the lid and the pot, and with a nod and a smile left the area and headed back to his quarters.

As he reached his room again, he closed his eyes and listened to the city. She was humming and vibrating like she did the first time he set foot on her. Her vibrations over the last few months were sad, like she was on Diapasan to cope with John's depression. He opened his eyes, opened his door and walked back to the shelf where he had put the picture earlier. He looked at it again, and finally smiled. He reached for the frame, made a motion to caress her face and whispered, "May you have found peace."

He inhaled deeply, moved to the bed, grabbed his book and began to read. He was at peace for the first time in months.

 *** * * ***

  
Rodney looked up from his computer, something had changed. He couldn't define what, but something had changed. He closed his eyes and listened. Suddenly he smiled. The city…the city was humming her song, she was happy again.

She was at peace. For the first time in months, the city was at peace. He looked at the entrance of his lab. As he expected, Ronon was standing there.

"Thanks," whispered Rodney.

Ronon nodded. He too had felt the change. He knew what it meant, John was finally able to say goodbye. The city was at peace, and so was the team.

THE END


End file.
